mental illnesses

hey guys!

Friday today, happy and sad about it. We’ve had a break from school this week and of course I’m happy it’s friday but I can’t help myself but feel bad about school and monday that’s coming closer.

I’m not gonna lie and pretend everything is alright, because it’s not. I don’t know if I can muster up the strength to go. And it hurts because I love school and I love to study and I could dedicate all my time to it, but the thing about mental illnesses is that they destroy these things. They destroy all that I enjoy about school and they make it unbearable to even get out of bed. They destroy the things I love. And I hate it, from all of my heart. I want to drop out of school. Me, the person I am with my personality, doesn’t want to but everything inside my body screams for me to stop, to lay down and catch my breath for at least a moment of my life. I haven’t had a break from everything in many years now and I’ve gone through everything even though my body couldn’t take it, because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I didn’t want to let my parents down. But now, when I finally can’t take anymore, when the thought of going to school and having to deal with all the stress just makes me cry and wonder what I’m even doing here, when even taking my dog for walks makes me lose all my energy, they let me down instead. My parents let me down. Because they don’t understand how I can even bring myself to complain when the school is doing everything they can to make it easier for me. But they don’t understand, they will never understand, that mental illnesses doesn’t work that way. I could have it all, have all I’ve ever dreamt about, but it would still not work. Because mental illnesses doesn’t work that way. Mental illnesses destroy all that you are, all that you love and all that you want to be. Mental illnesses is not something that just disappears. They will be with you for the rest of your life. Even if it all gets better, even if it feels like it’s never even been there, it has. It will always be a part of you and a part of who you are and who you’ve become. And I don’t even know myself why nothing that people do to make living easier for me isn’t working. I don’t know. I wish I did but I don’t. The only thing I know is that I have to stop. I can’t keep pushing myself over the limit, my body can’t take it anymore. And I know that my mental illnesses hurt not only me but everyone around me, and it tears on me even more. It hurts, because I know I’m hurting everyone I love. But I can’t help it. I don’t have control over my mental illnesses, they have control of me. And I can’t take it back, because i’ve lost all power I once had, I’ve lost myself somewhere where it all began. I want to find my way back but it’s not just that easy. You can’t be strong for everyone. You can’t deal with everything. The people who’re lucky enough to not have to deal with this don’t understand, and they will never, because all of this is too complex to understand for someone who hasn’t experienced it. I will love the part of me that carries the mental illnesses, because they’ve made me realize soo many things. They have made me stronger, even if I can’t be strong all the time. And I will love those flaws because they are who I am. But I can’t deny the fact that they have destroyed the person I once hoped to be. They’ve made the view of life I once had change, and nothing is the same anymore. It’s hard to live when all you want to do is stop living. It’s hard to breath when all you want to do is stop breathing. It’s hard to live. For everyone. But especially for us who suffer, every damn day, with mental illnesses.

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tuesday

Hi loves!

I have totally forgotten to even think about doing something with this blog. But yes. I have actually nothing to talk about. Nothing at all, not even sure why I’m doing this post.

I thought I was going to write about my day, but as I sit here right now writing this I realize I have done absolutely nothing today. I only walked outside to walk my dog. Other than that I’ve just been watching tv and eating candy. Which sucks because I am already gaining weight because of a medicine I’m taking, and my eating habits only make me gain more weight. I am going to talk to my doctor about my medication and talk about everything but I haven’t gotten to the point of calling her yet because Hi my name is Ellie and I suck.

Okay this wasn’t supposed to be this depressing, it was supposed to be an update about my life.

I don’t know what to write about on this blog, what do you guys want to read?

I see all those pretty blogs and the pretty pictures but like I can’t? I can’t go out and take picture because social phobia. And I can’t take pretty pics because I have no friends. Ok jokes aside all my friends are busy right now and after school and I am busy after school with lying in bed and watching an unhealthy amount of youtube videos. Because social phobia, and losing all the energy I have by being in school and socializing.

Yeah I’m going to start brainstorming blog post Ideas, if you have any suggestions or thoughts please send them to me.

Love you all, Ellie

FINALLY

YES YES YES YES YES I’M BACK THANK THE GODS

Let me just start this post by saying that I hate my PE teacher aka the IT guy at my school.

I gave him my computer like a week before christmas break and I knew that I would never get it back before we went on break. Not only that but when I gave it to him he asked me about my charger and I’m like yeah I forgot it I’ll give it to you tomorrow. He’s like yes I’m sending the computer away tomorrow so I really need it. Problem is I wasn’t planning on going to school the next day and the day after that I’m not at school since I have no classes. Being the goddess she is my bff is like give me the charger and I will give it to him the next day. She did and everything is perfect. So break comes and I’m sad I don’t have my computer and everything. I get back like three weeks later and the computer isn’t done yet. I’m like ok, that’s totally fine I broke my computer I know I have to suffer the consequences of having to be away from it for a long time. Fast forward like three weeks later he gives me the computer and I’m in HEAVEN. I realized the day after like hey where’s my charger. I ask my teacher about it and he’s really confused??? for some reason. He starts like mumbling confused like did you really give it to me, did I send it with the computer, haven’t they sent it back, you sure you don’t have it at home. Like he’s really confused and I tell him no I gave it to you because I know for a fact that my bff gave it to him so he’s like yeah I’m gonna email them and see. I’m like ok. A couple of days later he tells me that he’s emailed them and that they’re sending it back. I’m happy about it knowing I’m gonna be able to use my computer again, because of course my computer is dead because why would they charge it while fixing it. Not kidding like two weeks go by and I haven’t gotten my charger back. I was gonna tell him today but every time I saw him he was running by with like three girls running after him so of course I don’t think it’s a good time to stop him and ask about it. Finally when he’s alone he comes up to me and says I have your charger. I’m like ok? give it to me and he’s like “i thought you would come to me” ????? like should I ask him every fucking day about it? it went by like two weeks, fourteen days, and I should know when to ask him about it??? And I’d also like to add that it wasn’t even MY charger he gave back.

Ok that’s enough for this rant, I just needed to vent for a bit because I’ve waited two months to have my computer. And I’m finally back ready to compensate for the time I’ve been away.

That’s it, all and everything for this post.

Love you forever, Ellie

FINALLY

O M G fucking finally thank god I’m back!!!

I have been posting sooooo much but my stupid computer doesn’t want to cooperate and decides to NEVER UPLOAD ANY OF MY POSTS.

But now I’m back on my computer and it kinda works, for now. But unfortunately, since this is my school computer, I will be turning it in tomorrow since the screen is cracked and it’s just not working. But the IT guy on my school said that I can borrow another computer for now.

But this is just an update to tell you guys that I have made an effort, even though my computer hasn’t. This mac just drives me nuts and it’s filled with viruses somehow and it’s already too old to be able to function but yeah, the school still expects me to work normally even though nothing really works. But why complain? at least I get a computer.

But yeah, I will see what happens and what kind of posts I will be able to upload and what the circumstances there will be. But I will try to keep you posted on what’s going on.

Byyye

Love, Ellie

I’M BACK

Hi ma babies!

I’m back once again with another try to keep the blogging up.

I’m so very sorry for the bad updates and stuff but you know what, fuck life problems. I AM going to be active from now on. Because I want to, this is what I love so that’s what I’m going to focus on instead of being limited by the issues in my life.

So hi! How are you? I have so many plans right now from all the posts I haven’t posted, which I guess is great.

I don’t have time to chat tonight, unfortunately, but I promise you that I will update you all tomorrow!

Love you all, Ellie

thursday 13/10

Hi my beauties!

This week didn’t turn out like I had planned, but it has been a really rough week so it might be understandable.

I am going to upload a little something tomorrow, and I will start from there and see how it’ll go.

I’m sitting and just waiting for the weekend to come. I’m so done with school. The last semester before summer break was really good. No worries nor cares all was good and I could focus on the fun with school and myself at the same time, but It’s been getting worse with school and it all has been crumbling down again. I really feel like never going and just staying home and everything I do except for staying inside meeting no one gives me anxiety. Ugh, why does everything have to be so hard all the freaking time. Not only school but everything, why is everything so freaking exhausting.

I’m trying not to think about it at all right now and am instead focusing on what I’m going to do for the weekend. I think I’m gonna take the time to clean out my drawers and dressers and throw out what I don’t need so I finally can put up my new shelves. Soo excited for that.

This is probably the most boring post I’ve ever written, but I just had to update you a little. It was quite a rant about life, but sometimes you need to vent a bit.

But I will hopefully see you tomorrow again.

Love, Ellie

saturday 8/10

Hi lovely ladies!

I had planned on starting to blog again this week, but it didn’t really happen and I’m mad at myself because this blog is something I really want to do. But things have been a lot for me recently and it has been hard keeping my mind on track with life.

School had been going bad, I’ve been starting to slack on the schoolwork and everything feels like it’s falling apart.

I had my birthday last weekend, it honestly was nothing big at all. Didn’t really feel like it really was my birthday.

Ugh, I just want to take a break from life for a little bit, just to get back on track. unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.

School doesn’t feel right at all and it’s dragging my whole life down. I seriously don’t know what to do, it feels like I’m losing my mind.

Yeah, apart from that this week has too passed.  I’m going to try to start blogging again on monday and see if I can keep it up this time because I have a lot of awesome ideas for this blog. I feel like you guys will really like it, and so will I.

That was it for this update, which wasn’t that much of an update. Hope to see you guys soon.

Love, Ellie

monday 19/9

Hi beauties!

I am so so sick right now, fever, soar throat, headache and bad coughs. But I needed to talk to you guys today. I was planning a more creative post today, but school was very much and I’ve been pretty busy since I got home, so I just thought I’d update a little bit before I go to bed.

School was so boring today, like for real. Did nothing the first class, nothing the second class and read on the last one. It kinda sucked. Like I know it probably was chill doing nothing, but I could be doing nothing at home. If I’m going to school I want to make the most of it, god damn it lol.

But yes, I only had science and english today, except for before lunch where we have this thing on mondays where we work on whatever we need to work on to keep up with the subject. So yes. I also really want to work out, but I’ve been so sick and busy. I’m sad about it. It doesn’t feel right not working out, and I keep stressing myself about it and how lazy I am for not working out. Ugh, I really need to work on not doing that to myself.

I have been planning this week very much, and if everything goes as planned I will be uploading new posts everyday this week, yaay.

I’m totally not feeling like going to school tomorrow having math for three hours, but what to do I guess. Even though I’m not really complaining since I really like math. And I have to do it if I ever feel like going to university when I’m done with school.

Kinda sick how time keeps flying by, isn’t it? Like 2016 has passed soo fast. It’s my birthday in two weeks and everything. I feel so little and so big at the same time. 17. Like it’s so little if you think about it, my life has literally just started, but at the same time it feels like it was yesterday I started high school and became a teen at 13 and everything. I have two more years of school before I’m free to do whatever I want, it’s kinda crazy. Gosh, can I just stop the time for a moment to catch my breath. Before I know it my life will be over. I’m glad my life just begun. I can’t think about it almost being october already. It feels like I just had a summer break. Life is crazy, huh.

Yeah, enough with this rambling already, I really need to sleep. If you’ve made it this far, have a good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. See you tomorrow.

Love, Ellie

sunday 18/9

Hi my beauties!

I’m so so sorry for being inactive lately, but life has literally been piling up in front of me and it has been really hard keeping up. School has been so overwhelming and I’ve been sick for weeks now and everything is just blocking my vision a little right now. I have barely had time for the gym lately, and it hurts my soul very bad. I just want to work out but I haven’t been able too, both because I’m sick but it wouldn’t have mattered if I wasn’t because I wouldn’t have had the time anyways.

But here I am, this sunday night, listening to some chill tropical house music and painting my nails.

I’d love to have a lot to talk about and just sit here rambling about something insignificant, but I literally have nothing to talk about. I just had to keep up with you guys. I can’t let you all down like that you know. I’m literally sitting here right now and thinking about what I’m going to wear at school tomorrow. I was thinking about wearing my workout clothes all day and go to the gym right after school, but that won’t matter if I can’t gym tomorrow. Which I won’t if I still have pain in my throat.

When I started school this year I was going on and on about how great it would be just fixing the school from the beginning instead of piling it up like I always do, but look at me now. I just want to smack myself in the face for not listening to myself. I know that I really can’t help it because of my issues and stuff, but I don’t want that to be an excuse. And instead of realizing that it actually is a very good reason for not being able to keep up, I talk down on myself and tell myself that I’m stupid for not being able to do something so easy like doing one assignment in class when I’m supposed to.

Let it go Ellie, you’re struggling and it’s okay not to be okay. Keep that in mind folks. It’s okay to fail, it’s okay to struggle and it’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay feeling down and not be sure of anything. It’s just human, and that’s what we all are. I could tell you all how nobody’s perfect and everyone has imperfections, but I’d rather see it as nobody has imperfections, because every little thing on your skin is beautiful and makes you who you are, and therefore you all are perfect. Imperfection and flaws are something society has come up with for making everyone be like everybody else. You are you and you are perfect.

Love you all so much, Ellie

(nice little ramble for you guys)