Friday today, happy and sad about it. We’ve had a break from school this week and of course I’m happy it’s friday but I can’t help myself but feel bad about school and monday that’s coming closer.
I’m not gonna lie and pretend everything is alright, because it’s not. I don’t know if I can muster up the strength to go. And it hurts because I love school and I love to study and I could dedicate all my time to it, but the thing about mental illnesses is that they destroy these things. They destroy all that I enjoy about school and they make it unbearable to even get out of bed. They destroy the things I love. And I hate it, from all of my heart. I want to drop out of school. Me, the person I am with my personality, doesn’t want to but everything inside my body screams for me to stop, to lay down and catch my breath for at least a moment of my life. I haven’t had a break from everything in many years now and I’ve gone through everything even though my body couldn’t take it, because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I didn’t want to let my parents down. But now, when I finally can’t take anymore, when the thought of going to school and having to deal with all the stress just makes me cry and wonder what I’m even doing here, when even taking my dog for walks makes me lose all my energy, they let me down instead. My parents let me down. Because they don’t understand how I can even bring myself to complain when the school is doing everything they can to make it easier for me. But they don’t understand, they will never understand, that mental illnesses doesn’t work that way. I could have it all, have all I’ve ever dreamt about, but it would still not work. Because mental illnesses doesn’t work that way. Mental illnesses destroy all that you are, all that you love and all that you want to be. Mental illnesses is not something that just disappears. They will be with you for the rest of your life. Even if it all gets better, even if it feels like it’s never even been there, it has. It will always be a part of you and a part of who you are and who you’ve become. And I don’t even know myself why nothing that people do to make living easier for me isn’t working. I don’t know. I wish I did but I don’t. The only thing I know is that I have to stop. I can’t keep pushing myself over the limit, my body can’t take it anymore. And I know that my mental illnesses hurt not only me but everyone around me, and it tears on me even more. It hurts, because I know I’m hurting everyone I love. But I can’t help it. I don’t have control over my mental illnesses, they have control of me. And I can’t take it back, because i’ve lost all power I once had, I’ve lost myself somewhere where it all began. I want to find my way back but it’s not just that easy. You can’t be strong for everyone. You can’t deal with everything. The people who’re lucky enough to not have to deal with this don’t understand, and they will never, because all of this is too complex to understand for someone who hasn’t experienced it. I will love the part of me that carries the mental illnesses, because they’ve made me realize soo many things. They have made me stronger, even if I can’t be strong all the time. And I will love those flaws because they are who I am. But I can’t deny the fact that they have destroyed the person I once hoped to be. They’ve made the view of life I once had change, and nothing is the same anymore. It’s hard to live when all you want to do is stop living. It’s hard to breath when all you want to do is stop breathing. It’s hard to live. For everyone. But especially for us who suffer, every damn day, with mental illnesses.