Summerrrr

Hi babes!

It’s Been a while, i know i know. Its not that I Didn’t want to blog, it’s just that I don’t have a computer at the moment, which suuucks, and My phone is such a pain atm and I have such a hard time doing anything on it Cause It just fucks up.

Bute here I am today. It’s summer life is living. I’ve been working and earning money for a few weeks but now I’m freeeee until late August. Kinda don’t want to go back to school but it’s my last yeeeear no more school.

I haven’t had any time or energy to really work on myself or go to the gym because of work, but now that I have time I’m gonna start, and take you with me the best that I can. Although you have to live with phone photos and blogposts.

Don’t have much more to say today, just wanted to let you know I’m not dead, I’m fully alive ready to take the world.

Love, El

tuesday 4/4

Hi guys!

Another update today, feels good.

It’s actually been quite a good day today, good weather and not too much going on in school. I don’t know yet if I love that it’s getting a bit warmer or if it just makes the abstinence for summer worse. I can’t even describe how much I want it to be summer, like I want it so much that it’s hard to explain. And now, when it starts getting warmer, I just get so frustrated, like can’t it just be summer already.
That’s the reason I want to move somewhere where it’s always warm, then you’ll never have to wait for it to be warm and be summer. Because the frustration I feel right now is ridiculous lol.

The reason I went on my computer in the first place was to study, but even though I feel motivated and know that I have to do it I just can’t. In my last post I talked about how I wanted to change and feel better, and that also includes school. I want to take it seriously, I want to put down work and focus on it. Because it’s only a year and a half left of school for me, and I feel like now is the time to really put some effort in it. But why does it have to be so hard? Why is school so, I don’t know, tiring? Wish it would feel good to study lol.

But anyways hope you have an amazing day and I’ll probably update tomorrow.

Love, Ellie

Changes

Hi guys!

I have not been in a good place lately (telling from my post mental illnesses) and I’m just so sick of it.

I want to be good, I want to feel good, about everything. And it’s been so hard for me to keep up the spirit and the energy lately, and I’ve been spending a LOT of time at home in my room, no good eating habits, slim to none sleep. It’s been tearing on me.

But right now I want to start over. Get my shit together you know. And I want to make this journey with you guys, I want you to be on my side through this. I don’t only want your help and a place to document my success, but also maybe inspire other people out there to change for the better too.
This won’t be easy because habits die hard, but I really want to change. Not only getting my life together but my health too. I don’t want to get too into it but I’m on some medication and the pills I take has made me gain some weight, and that combined with me getting a sugar addiction and bad eating habits has really struck me hard. I notice it so much, both the weight gain but also my self confidence that’s nonexistent atm. And I think that has been the most stressful thing for me lately. I have never had good confidence and I don’t think I’ve ever felt good about myself before, but right now it has just been getting so much worse.

This is not a rant, and this post is not supposed to be, but I really want all of this to be documented and I want to have something holding me to it, I want something that will make me remember how bad it was so that I can compare it when it all gets better. If that makes sense. And I think that if I document my journey on here that I will have no choice but to have to deal with it and have to make some changes. Because that’s what I wanna do, change. I don’t want to live like this. This is not the life I wanna have. And I know that life just isn’t about being thin and being a model and having a good body but I do want to lose weight.

I have set my goals and I know how I’m gonna try to reach them.
I’m graduating from school next year and that’s where I have my first goal. I want to look good on my graduation day. I want to be able to reach the goals that I have and I want to be able to say “I did it”.

Set up your own goals and lets do this together. It will get better, I just know it.

Love, Ellie

mental illnesses

hey guys!

Friday today, happy and sad about it. We’ve had a break from school this week and of course I’m happy it’s friday but I can’t help myself but feel bad about school and monday that’s coming closer.

I’m not gonna lie and pretend everything is alright, because it’s not. I don’t know if I can muster up the strength to go. And it hurts because I love school and I love to study and I could dedicate all my time to it, but the thing about mental illnesses is that they destroy these things. They destroy all that I enjoy about school and they make it unbearable to even get out of bed. They destroy the things I love. And I hate it, from all of my heart. I want to drop out of school. Me, the person I am with my personality, doesn’t want to but everything inside my body screams for me to stop, to lay down and catch my breath for at least a moment of my life. I haven’t had a break from everything in many years now and I’ve gone through everything even though my body couldn’t take it, because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I didn’t want to let my parents down. But now, when I finally can’t take anymore, when the thought of going to school and having to deal with all the stress just makes me cry and wonder what I’m even doing here, when even taking my dog for walks makes me lose all my energy, they let me down instead. My parents let me down. Because they don’t understand how I can even bring myself to complain when the school is doing everything they can to make it easier for me. But they don’t understand, they will never understand, that mental illnesses doesn’t work that way. I could have it all, have all I’ve ever dreamt about, but it would still not work. Because mental illnesses doesn’t work that way. Mental illnesses destroy all that you are, all that you love and all that you want to be. Mental illnesses is not something that just disappears. They will be with you for the rest of your life. Even if it all gets better, even if it feels like it’s never even been there, it has. It will always be a part of you and a part of who you are and who you’ve become. And I don’t even know myself why nothing that people do to make living easier for me isn’t working. I don’t know. I wish I did but I don’t. The only thing I know is that I have to stop. I can’t keep pushing myself over the limit, my body can’t take it anymore. And I know that my mental illnesses hurt not only me but everyone around me, and it tears on me even more. It hurts, because I know I’m hurting everyone I love. But I can’t help it. I don’t have control over my mental illnesses, they have control of me. And I can’t take it back, because i’ve lost all power I once had, I’ve lost myself somewhere where it all began. I want to find my way back but it’s not just that easy. You can’t be strong for everyone. You can’t deal with everything. The people who’re lucky enough to not have to deal with this don’t understand, and they will never, because all of this is too complex to understand for someone who hasn’t experienced it. I will love the part of me that carries the mental illnesses, because they’ve made me realize soo many things. They have made me stronger, even if I can’t be strong all the time. And I will love those flaws because they are who I am. But I can’t deny the fact that they have destroyed the person I once hoped to be. They’ve made the view of life I once had change, and nothing is the same anymore. It’s hard to live when all you want to do is stop living. It’s hard to breath when all you want to do is stop breathing. It’s hard to live. For everyone. But especially for us who suffer, every damn day, with mental illnesses.

tuesday

Hi loves!

I have totally forgotten to even think about doing something with this blog. But yes. I have actually nothing to talk about. Nothing at all, not even sure why I’m doing this post.

I thought I was going to write about my day, but as I sit here right now writing this I realize I have done absolutely nothing today. I only walked outside to walk my dog. Other than that I’ve just been watching tv and eating candy. Which sucks because I am already gaining weight because of a medicine I’m taking, and my eating habits only make me gain more weight. I am going to talk to my doctor about my medication and talk about everything but I haven’t gotten to the point of calling her yet because Hi my name is Ellie and I suck.

Okay this wasn’t supposed to be this depressing, it was supposed to be an update about my life.

I don’t know what to write about on this blog, what do you guys want to read?

I see all those pretty blogs and the pretty pictures but like I can’t? I can’t go out and take picture because social phobia. And I can’t take pretty pics because I have no friends. Ok jokes aside all my friends are busy right now and after school and I am busy after school with lying in bed and watching an unhealthy amount of youtube videos. Because social phobia, and losing all the energy I have by being in school and socializing.

Yeah I’m going to start brainstorming blog post Ideas, if you have any suggestions or thoughts please send them to me.

Love you all, Ellie

FINALLY

YES YES YES YES YES I’M BACK THANK THE GODS

Let me just start this post by saying that I hate my PE teacher aka the IT guy at my school.

I gave him my computer like a week before christmas break and I knew that I would never get it back before we went on break. Not only that but when I gave it to him he asked me about my charger and I’m like yeah I forgot it I’ll give it to you tomorrow. He’s like yes I’m sending the computer away tomorrow so I really need it. Problem is I wasn’t planning on going to school the next day and the day after that I’m not at school since I have no classes. Being the goddess she is my bff is like give me the charger and I will give it to him the next day. She did and everything is perfect. So break comes and I’m sad I don’t have my computer and everything. I get back like three weeks later and the computer isn’t done yet. I’m like ok, that’s totally fine I broke my computer I know I have to suffer the consequences of having to be away from it for a long time. Fast forward like three weeks later he gives me the computer and I’m in HEAVEN. I realized the day after like hey where’s my charger. I ask my teacher about it and he’s really confused??? for some reason. He starts like mumbling confused like did you really give it to me, did I send it with the computer, haven’t they sent it back, you sure you don’t have it at home. Like he’s really confused and I tell him no I gave it to you because I know for a fact that my bff gave it to him so he’s like yeah I’m gonna email them and see. I’m like ok. A couple of days later he tells me that he’s emailed them and that they’re sending it back. I’m happy about it knowing I’m gonna be able to use my computer again, because of course my computer is dead because why would they charge it while fixing it. Not kidding like two weeks go by and I haven’t gotten my charger back. I was gonna tell him today but every time I saw him he was running by with like three girls running after him so of course I don’t think it’s a good time to stop him and ask about it. Finally when he’s alone he comes up to me and says I have your charger. I’m like ok? give it to me and he’s like “i thought you would come to me” ????? like should I ask him every fucking day about it? it went by like two weeks, fourteen days, and I should know when to ask him about it??? And I’d also like to add that it wasn’t even MY charger he gave back.

Ok that’s enough for this rant, I just needed to vent for a bit because I’ve waited two months to have my computer. And I’m finally back ready to compensate for the time I’ve been away.

That’s it, all and everything for this post.

Love you forever, Ellie

FINALLY

O M G fucking finally thank god I’m back!!!

I have been posting sooooo much but my stupid computer doesn’t want to cooperate and decides to NEVER UPLOAD ANY OF MY POSTS.

But now I’m back on my computer and it kinda works, for now. But unfortunately, since this is my school computer, I will be turning it in tomorrow since the screen is cracked and it’s just not working. But the IT guy on my school said that I can borrow another computer for now.

But this is just an update to tell you guys that I have made an effort, even though my computer hasn’t. This mac just drives me nuts and it’s filled with viruses somehow and it’s already too old to be able to function but yeah, the school still expects me to work normally even though nothing really works. But why complain? at least I get a computer.

But yeah, I will see what happens and what kind of posts I will be able to upload and what the circumstances there will be. But I will try to keep you posted on what’s going on.

Byyye

Love, Ellie

I’M BACK

Hi ma babies!

I’m back once again with another try to keep the blogging up.

I’m so very sorry for the bad updates and stuff but you know what, fuck life problems. I AM going to be active from now on. Because I want to, this is what I love so that’s what I’m going to focus on instead of being limited by the issues in my life.

So hi! How are you? I have so many plans right now from all the posts I haven’t posted, which I guess is great.

I don’t have time to chat tonight, unfortunately, but I promise you that I will update you all tomorrow!

Love you all, Ellie

thursday 13/10

Hi my beauties!

This week didn’t turn out like I had planned, but it has been a really rough week so it might be understandable.

I am going to upload a little something tomorrow, and I will start from there and see how it’ll go.

I’m sitting and just waiting for the weekend to come. I’m so done with school. The last semester before summer break was really good. No worries nor cares all was good and I could focus on the fun with school and myself at the same time, but It’s been getting worse with school and it all has been crumbling down again. I really feel like never going and just staying home and everything I do except for staying inside meeting no one gives me anxiety. Ugh, why does everything have to be so hard all the freaking time. Not only school but everything, why is everything so freaking exhausting.

I’m trying not to think about it at all right now and am instead focusing on what I’m going to do for the weekend. I think I’m gonna take the time to clean out my drawers and dressers and throw out what I don’t need so I finally can put up my new shelves. Soo excited for that.

This is probably the most boring post I’ve ever written, but I just had to update you a little. It was quite a rant about life, but sometimes you need to vent a bit.

But I will hopefully see you tomorrow again.

Love, Ellie